My Humor-Filled Rant On Being A Debut Author
I was so excited when I finished writing my first novel. Okay, that’s an understatement. I was as giddy as a kid at Disneyland … with a mouse ears hat … in the candy store … holding Minnie and Mickey’s hands. You get the idea.
If you’re an author, I’d bet you my two hundred-plus piece thimble collection (Um, yes, I do actually have one.) you felt the same way. Oh, the sense of achievement. You’d done it. You’d arrived. The sky was the limit. You were floating on top of the world. Until someone rudely burst your sparkly bubble.
They chuckled wisely while shaking their head at your naiveté. “Writing the book is the easy part, dear,” they said knowingly. “It’s the rest that’ll put a twist in your knickers.”
The rest. Dun, dun, dun. (Scary movie music.)
No, I didn’t win any … didn’t even final in any. Yes, I’m hanging my head and blushing in shame. I couldn’t quite figure out the whole contest thingy. How can you get a nearly perfect score from one judge, and in the same contest, get a score and comments that basically say, “You suck so bad at writing, you might want to consider having your ten appendages removed.”
Fine, I’m exaggerating—about the fingers being cut off part. Not about the scores or snarky comments. Interestingly enough, I contracted both polished novels with the first publisher I submitted them to.
Make’s ya wonder don’t it?
Make’s ya wonder don’t it?
Then there’s the author platform. The author whosey-whaty? Is that the thing we authors stand on and dazzle the world by sharing our writing journey, our inspiration, our marvelous story? No?
Nope, it’s sort of like a popularity contest. Who knows you? How many people are you connected with on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google+ (You fill in the dozens of other social media possibilities.)? How many people follow you on those and on your blog? Gasp, you don’t blog? Well, you do have a website at least don’t you? Yes, the subtle balance of network building while developing friendships/relationships with total strangers—and the occasional creeper/stalker, but that’s a whole other blog.
I know I had that dazed deer-in-the-headlights look on my face when my dear friends at Rose City Romance Writers tried to offer me advice. Do you have a Facebook fan page? Amazon or Goodreads author page? Which publishing industry related groups do you belong to? Book clubs? Who’s your target audience? I’ll tell you who my freakin’ target audience is. Anyone I can tackle to the ground and beg to read my book, that’s who!
‘Cause I like cobalt blue and roses, that’s why. And ‘cause I have lots of stuff with blue roses on them already. And ‘cause my brain was going to explode if I had to come up with something spectacular or perky or profound.
Which reminds me—author taglines—which are expected to be all of the afore mentioned adjectives. Yep, you have to come up with one of those too. Mine is Divine Encounters With Love. Hey, I hear you snickering. Be nice. I’ve heard worse.
Moving on to actually getting published. Oh, dear God, will it never end?
I chose to take the traditional route, stumbling and fumbling through the whole query letter, synopsis, submit partial, submit full, sign contract. . . . Just a second while I come up for air. Deep breath. Okay, here I go again. . . . Rewrites, resubmitting, revisions, cover art, editing, editing again.
I’ve got a bone to pick about that editing business. It would be really nice if the more experienced authors would let us newbies know that your editor doesn’t really ‘edit’ your manuscript. They make a bazillion suggestions about what you need to fix, and then give your baby back to you to do just that. You get to do the reconstructive surgery.
Onward. Let’s discuss acquiring an agent. No, I don’t have one—yet. I do have one with a large agency interested in my work, and when I’m done with the third book, I’ll query her. Maybe. The industry is changing. I’m not opposed to getting an agent—I’m just not sure I need one right now. Check with me in a few years when I have a dozen or so books under my belt.
Get your Negative-Nancy pin away from my bubble. I’m being optimistic here.
Speaking of optimism, I’ll venture into the marketing and promotion brouhaha. Yes, even traditionally published authors are expected to market and promote their books, and it’s a nightmare. Worse than . . . than . . . Shrek. Sorry, I don’t watch horror movies, so that’s the best I can do.
Business cards, banners, pins, pens, bookmarks, blurbs, bio, excerpt, cover photo, author photo, contact links, blogging, blog tours, blog hops, newsletters, ads, ARCs (Not as in Noah!) It never ends. You become a promo prostitute, a marketing madam—not quite sure what the male counterpart would be for those, but you get the point.
To tell the truth, I’m no good at it, because, believe it or not, I’m a shy person. Yes, I am! I just hide it well behind words. I’m very uncomfortable plugging my book, but I do it because it’s expected. And on my deathbed I want to be able to say, “Twenty-seven people bought my book.”
To tell the truth, I’m no good at it, because, believe it or not, I’m a shy person. Yes, I am! I just hide it well behind words. I’m very uncomfortable plugging my book, but I do it because it’s expected. And on my deathbed I want to be able to say, “Twenty-seven people bought my book.”
And finally, the reviews. (More scary music, please.) Review may not be a four–letter word but depending on the slant of the review, it might as well be. I bet you mutter a few of them yourself when you get a negative one. My ARC reviews are starting to trickle in on Goodreads. Highlander’s Hope (Yes, I’m shamelessly plugging it.) releases May 15, 2013. I’m not looking forward to that part of becoming a published author. I know it goes with the territory but some people are just mean and nasty.
Not any of you, of course.
I’m done now, because you really don’t want me to get started on publishing lingo and jargon—
